The Challenge

Alright so the last two actually blogs that I've written have been me really depressed because of an argument my husband and I have gotten into. Well, he gave me a challenge that I am going to stick to and no matter what keep going. I will not let this relationship fail. We've gotten this far we can go farther. We will make it and we'll both be happy in the end. I refuse to let go.
M.Milly

Music of Life

This is a play list that I put together to listen to when I get down a little, this kind of music usually picks me up. hopefully everyone loves it =-]

I'm on a clift of darkness about ready to plunge into the deep of blood and poison. I leave it up to fate, his mind is made up. I can not pursuade him any farther. What is left of me aches with tears and sorrow. There is nothing left for me and no where to go.

It's Over

So today was the day that ended it all. He told me he was done, or at least he did in so many terms. I thought everything was going well, and I thought everthing would be okay. I wanted to live and create a family with him. I want to give him everything. There is nothing I can do or say to stop him...my life has ended, my joy has become nothing...I have become an emotionless monster to him and to those around me.

Alright so where should I begin. I've lost no weight and we're broke, again...I guess that happens? I really hate everything right now. I feel like a complete failure in life. When I was younger my parents never taught us how to save money so whenever I get some it is gone. I really need to get a budget around and stick to it. I also need my husband to help me along the way instead of screaming at me everytime I screw up. I guess I'll figure it out somehow and at some point. Now the weight thing...I think I haven't been able to lose weight because I have been so stressed. I have to do something, I've gotten so big I don't fit in half my clothes. It's sad when you're the big one in your family and everyone looks at you like you're a retard. I donno anymore. Giving up seems like the better of ideas right now :-c I'm going to get going...I'll figure something out soon, I hope.

Fat and Lonely

So here I am once again as I always am. I feel terrible about myself and everything else about me. I want to be skinny again but it is far more difficult than it looks. I hope that I can figure out something and find the willpower to be free of this shit. I have to be myself and figure this out. I lost a ton of weight when Bill was in Iraq why can't I do it again?? I went from a size 18 to a 14 when he was gone and as soon as he got back I gained it all back on. Here is my vow and this website is going to help me, hopefully. I am going to track myself every day. Bill had made an agreement with me that if I lost 20 lbs by my birthday I'd be able to buy a coach purse. I am excited but my birthday is January 11th and it is almost December. I think I can do it if I put my mind and determination into it and see where it's going. It just is the part about exercise. When I'm at school I can go to the gym there for free but there in a few weeks we don't have anymore classes so I'll have to find someway to keep myself motivated. I'll see what I can do and get back with you on any ideas that I may find.

From the Edge of My Darkness aka I'm Sick

So, it is 7:22 am and I am awake willingly, well almost willingly. I went to bed last night before 8:00pm which is abnormal for me only to wake up to being even more sick than yesterday. Maybe a nice hot shower will do me good, but then again it may make everything worse. Who knows? Hopefully today is a good day. I am going over to a friends to help her clean her house for her husbands birthday party this weekend, then this afternoon I am going to my sisters to watch my nephews for a few hours. So hopefully today turns out better than it has started. I really wanna just curl up in bed with my husband and lay there snug in his arms for a few more hours but if I do I probably wont wake up on time to get to my friends house. Oh well I guess I'll go shower then.

M.Milly

Here I am once more, waiting and wanting more. Is there something wrong with me or am I just this strange? Everything seems a little down and uncomforting but it may just be me and my recentness of problems. So my husband and I came to an agreement, if I lose 20 lbs by my birthday (January 11) then I'll get a Coach purse. I agreed. Now I just have to figure out how to lose the 20. I work full time and go to school full time leaving little room for exercise. Any suggestions??? It's not like anyone I know reads this anyways. I not sure why I even bother most days. I guess I'll figure something out and when I do I'll make sure it is posted up here for all my avid readers.

Eyes Of Chocolate

Tears flow swift from my eyes of chocolate, flowing long and fast, The inner battle I fight is winning and I begin to crumble.

I try to battle my sorrow and hurt, but the pain is too great. They devour my escence and eat away my soul.

This pain must cease before I let it conquer all of me. I must create a wall and fight the tears from the pain.

The flesh wound bleeds, the hurt makes me cry, but there is nothing left of me nor for me.

Their hate consumes my burning fire, and i'm eaten by the cannibles I call friends.

They know not the feelings I've felt, the pain the sorrow the saddness, not even death could express what I've felt.

I must stay strong and hide the emotion before all of it is gone and I'm a drone in societies world.

They know not what they do to us and they know what we are. We are the puppets and they are our masters.

Devoured by fears we drown in our tears and create a world of mirrors.

Someday you'll understand when you're where I am today with tears flowing swiftly from my eyes of chocolate.

Left alone

So since my last blog everything has gone a bit array but at the same time has become so settled that life is surreal. work is going well, life is going well, and even I'm doing well. I don't know why but there is something wrong, laid out before me, and I can't seem to figure it out....

So here I am. Everything about me seems to be put in front of me. What am I to do?

Treasured Days

Today was me and my husbands 2 year wedding anniversary. We had an amazing day though I was a little disappointing. I woke up at 7:30am and went and got my hair done by one of my friends. I was super excited because Bill said that he had a special surprise for me. So when I was finished with my hair I came home to see my husband and visit my husband. I came up stairs and sat down next to him and he didn't say a thing to me. We ended up sitting around and he played video games and I sat and watched. The only thing "special" that happened was that he rubbed my shoulders briefly. I wish that it would have been better...but what more can a girl as for on her anniversary? Flowers or Chocolates? No not me.

Alright' so i haven't posted in a few weeks and I feel like someone somewhere gets on here once a day and reads something and is now sad that I haven't written another blog in a while. There hasnt been a lot going on and yeah its going to be an interesting weekend but whatever. I start classes Monday and I am totally excited, I have finally decided that I'm going to study Hospitality with a focus in Event Management. It is truly exciting that I have finally figured out things that are goong on and that I don't and wont have to worry about anything anymore. I just hope everything falls into plan soon with everything else. Goodnight!

I'm so tired but can't sleep at all. I think its because of my dream last night. I can't really remember it at all but i do remember my subconcious brain waking me from a dead sleep. I couldn't sleep for hours after that. I really should go to bed its my brother's graduation party tomorow so there's a lot going on. If i remember my dream at all i'll post it later

With a promotion in sight i feel more trapped than ever. Mason informed me today that the company is making a new position that is going to be mine. I know inside I want it but at the same time I am going to kick myself in the ass if I take it. I start college in a few weeks. There is no way i'm going to have time to give the resturant 100% of me. I think I am going to change my major again though. I'm hoping to go into the hospitality program with am focus of management. This way i can learn as I go. I still need to talk it over with Bill but all will work out in the end.

The Difference between Fiction and Friction

Unable to decide exactly how to explain the title of my blog I'm going to start from the beginning and sound like a high school girl with drama in her life. I had this friend and she had asked me to be her Matron of Honor and I gladly accepted. Today she informed me that not only did she not want me to be her Matron of Honor anymore she didn't want me to be a brides made at all! How utterly rude! It was a slap in the face. I felt like I had been kicked to a curb like I was nothing. She has no idea how my life has been going in the first place because she hasn't been here for me like a friend is suppose to. So in the end I told her that I didn't mind being in the wedding. I told her that I would probably not be able to even make it to the wedding anyways since she lives hours away.

On a different note, I finally got a text message from my husband. If this is the first blog you've read of mine, my husband left yesterday for two weeks for training. He tried calling me but I was in the bathroom and didn't hear the phone ring :-( I was very upset that I missed the phone call but he did say he'd try and call again tomorrow evening.

One week from Monday I leave for TN with my Girls. It's going to be interesting and I'm hoping that I will be able to blog while I am gone. I'll be sure to try and post some pictures when I get back from TN.

Well from here I think that I should be off to bed. I have to work in the morning and I have TONS of laundry to do after I get off work. Goodnight!

Here we are once again, the end of the day should be asleep yet now. Drunkeness surrounding me, i'm the only 100% sober person here. Its almost isnt fun anymore. This is when i sit alone in a room and just listen to the music and let it absorb me. Being around drunk people makes me do this, makes me really enjoy the silence. As the night unfolds so does the plot to yet another story the next morning. Maybe being sober can be a good thing...yet at the same time not. I always feel like the bad guy in the end, ruining something, but i guess that happens when You're mature

A quote from a book keeps running through my brain. "I tread an inner labryinth, trusting in my choice." i'm not sure why its sticking with me but on and off it'll pop into my thoughts. Maybe its a sign, or an epiphany. Who knows really? Everything is finally falling into place. I've graduated into maturity, trusting my choices. Everytime i do something always happens but this time i feel complete and not depressed. Everything will be perfect.

Excitement begins to boil in my veins. 6 days until Bill leaves for 18 days, 16 days until i'm in TN, 29 until school starts and 37 until Bill and I have been married for two years. Everything is starting to unfold into a master plan. I've turned a new leaf and have lots of things in order for life. I'm excited to even start rambleing. From the outer edge of space is where i feel like i'm traveling everything seems to now be slowing down to a tinkering faucet. The calming sound harasses my soul wit. orgasmic proportions. Life as i know it is changing and i'm not scared anymore

The prelude is silent yet the orchestra is ready to play. The audience is in a silent awe. The cast is on stage waiting for the curtain to raise and the show to begin. No one knows what the director had in store for this audience. He raises his hands, the curtain rises and the most beautiful note ever played rolls from the tips of the instruments. It hypnotizes them and the play takes a turn into a valley of neon colors and floating creatures. The play climaxes and the audience is on the edge of their seats. The hero dies and audience is stunned. The curtain closes and the play comes to an end. The audience erupes like a violent volcanco. The clapping slowly ceases and the audiences goes to bed to dream of the hero and his fair lady together in death...

[Blankness] here i sit with a blank canvas before me, a world of wonders, questions, amazements and possibilities. Everything seems to be falling into a plan, and hopefully all issues get settled over the next year or so. I'm actually surprised that all is going so well hopefully it continues and life blossoms into a beautiful creation that inspires and encourages those around me. Tomorow is just on of many steps towards my goals and wishes. Someday i will be debt free from everyone and thing. When that day comes i'll buy my self something pretty i guess but until then i hope everyone sleeps well under this star spekeled sky. M.Milly

[Freedom] Here i am laying in bed mind wandering like a child learning to walk. My soul weakens everyday and slowly i'm losing myself into a vast mirage of vanity. I've come to at least one decison. A decison that will affect my life forever. I have to get out of debt. I've decided that the only way i'll be able to undepress my self is to set myself free of my debt. Its my own damn fault its as bad as what it is. I had the chance to pay everything off but didnt. I was childish and i'm ready to put the past away. I hope that the future is nicer than my past and if there are any suggestions please let me know. Its needed bad. I'd feel like a newly emerged butterfly who is spreading out my wings to fly. Until i can fly then i'll stay in an cacoon. M.Milly

[Evening Reflections] i think i've decided every evening i'm going to write something on here at least something to keep people interested. I doubt anyone will read any of there but i do write blogs for everyone to read and reflect upon. Life as a general is going to be difficult from here on, i know this as fact.My horoscope says there is going to be a big change in my life and i just need to relax. What is relaxing anyways? Relaxation doesn't exist in my life. I'm always on the go it is terrible most days.But I guess i've got to learn that i need to stop dwelling on problems and push ahead into the great unknown. I mean whose going to discover it if its not me? Maybe one day ill sneak away into a jungle or something but till then good night. M.Milly

[Greatness] It isnt found over night it is studied and thought highly about before being accomplished. Sort of like the decison to go back [to school] you think about it over and over before saying yes i'm going to do it or on i cant. Right now i'm in a rut, i've decided to go back to school to get a degree but i dont really know what to major in. Right now its massage therapy...i really dont want to do it but its good money. Truthfully i really wanna go to culinary school. It would be a dream come true but i cant have everything i want. I'm almost at a loss because its between money and passion. On one side i love cooking and so forth but the other am i good enough for a culinary school. I have one semester to decide what i'm going to do no more.

[daydreaming] lately it has been so difficult to fall asleep at night. Like tonight its almost two in the morning and I'm still awake from the day before. I found a trick that is far better than counting sheep that I'm going to share with you. When i was younger my dad would tuck me and my sister into bed and tell us to have sweet dreams. One night i asked, "how do i make sweet dreams daddy?" he replied "all you have to do is close your eyes and play a story in your head until you fall into a dream world for sweet dreams" from that night on i used that trick and its still going strong. So when you cant sleep just play a story in your head and youll surely fall asleep pretty quick. -Sleep well - M.Milly

Blog Virginity

Here we go....First post on here ever...[[everyone looks in awe]] Yep now I'm officially a blogger! Well, only if I get on here often enough and remember to write something once in a while.

I guess the first blogs usually are a lets get to know the blogger...well not for me...If you want to get to know me you can just send me a message and ask what you want to know but I'm not going to throw it all in here at once for the whole world to see.

But I guess with all the excitement this is where this ends from here on who knows...maybe the stars or the ocean or possibly just sleep...

M.Milly