Fat and Lonely

So here I am once again as I always am. I feel terrible about myself and everything else about me. I want to be skinny again but it is far more difficult than it looks. I hope that I can figure out something and find the willpower to be free of this shit. I have to be myself and figure this out. I lost a ton of weight when Bill was in Iraq why can't I do it again?? I went from a size 18 to a 14 when he was gone and as soon as he got back I gained it all back on. Here is my vow and this website is going to help me, hopefully. I am going to track myself every day. Bill had made an agreement with me that if I lost 20 lbs by my birthday I'd be able to buy a coach purse. I am excited but my birthday is January 11th and it is almost December. I think I can do it if I put my mind and determination into it and see where it's going. It just is the part about exercise. When I'm at school I can go to the gym there for free but there in a few weeks we don't have anymore classes so I'll have to find someway to keep myself motivated. I'll see what I can do and get back with you on any ideas that I may find.

From the Edge of My Darkness aka I'm Sick

So, it is 7:22 am and I am awake willingly, well almost willingly. I went to bed last night before 8:00pm which is abnormal for me only to wake up to being even more sick than yesterday. Maybe a nice hot shower will do me good, but then again it may make everything worse. Who knows? Hopefully today is a good day. I am going over to a friends to help her clean her house for her husbands birthday party this weekend, then this afternoon I am going to my sisters to watch my nephews for a few hours. So hopefully today turns out better than it has started. I really wanna just curl up in bed with my husband and lay there snug in his arms for a few more hours but if I do I probably wont wake up on time to get to my friends house. Oh well I guess I'll go shower then.

M.Milly

Here I am once more, waiting and wanting more. Is there something wrong with me or am I just this strange? Everything seems a little down and uncomforting but it may just be me and my recentness of problems. So my husband and I came to an agreement, if I lose 20 lbs by my birthday (January 11) then I'll get a Coach purse. I agreed. Now I just have to figure out how to lose the 20. I work full time and go to school full time leaving little room for exercise. Any suggestions??? It's not like anyone I know reads this anyways. I not sure why I even bother most days. I guess I'll figure something out and when I do I'll make sure it is posted up here for all my avid readers.

Eyes Of Chocolate

Tears flow swift from my eyes of chocolate, flowing long and fast, The inner battle I fight is winning and I begin to crumble.

I try to battle my sorrow and hurt, but the pain is too great. They devour my escence and eat away my soul.

This pain must cease before I let it conquer all of me. I must create a wall and fight the tears from the pain.

The flesh wound bleeds, the hurt makes me cry, but there is nothing left of me nor for me.

Their hate consumes my burning fire, and i'm eaten by the cannibles I call friends.

They know not the feelings I've felt, the pain the sorrow the saddness, not even death could express what I've felt.

I must stay strong and hide the emotion before all of it is gone and I'm a drone in societies world.

They know not what they do to us and they know what we are. We are the puppets and they are our masters.

Devoured by fears we drown in our tears and create a world of mirrors.

Someday you'll understand when you're where I am today with tears flowing swiftly from my eyes of chocolate.

Left alone

So since my last blog everything has gone a bit array but at the same time has become so settled that life is surreal. work is going well, life is going well, and even I'm doing well. I don't know why but there is something wrong, laid out before me, and I can't seem to figure it out....

So here I am. Everything about me seems to be put in front of me. What am I to do?

Treasured Days

Today was me and my husbands 2 year wedding anniversary. We had an amazing day though I was a little disappointing. I woke up at 7:30am and went and got my hair done by one of my friends. I was super excited because Bill said that he had a special surprise for me. So when I was finished with my hair I came home to see my husband and visit my husband. I came up stairs and sat down next to him and he didn't say a thing to me. We ended up sitting around and he played video games and I sat and watched. The only thing "special" that happened was that he rubbed my shoulders briefly. I wish that it would have been better...but what more can a girl as for on her anniversary? Flowers or Chocolates? No not me.