2010

I've done a lot of reflecting in the past couple of weeks. I guess I do that every year. I reflect what the past year has been like, and what I could have done to make it better for me and for the ones that I love most. This year is no different. It seems like my world has begin to spiral into a downward vortex that is only destined for Hell, whatever and where ever that may be. In one week I will be 22. I'm married, and have been for 2 years. To some that is a crazy thing to think of. Though it breaks my heart to say, I feel that this marriage may be destined to fail. Not because I want it to, or because my husband wants it to but because our families think it will. My mother has been married 3 times, my father twice. My husbands mother has been married countless times and his father, well I've never met his father so I can not say. I think that we'll always be friends, but the love is sort of faded around the edges. It's like an old photo done in sepia. We're in the middle and the edges have begun to fray and there are holes from the bugs of being packed away. The only way to keep this relationship solid to to change 100%. Not just me but him too. I can not say what the future holds, but we're both too stubborn to give in easily.

Solutions to the problem: Change. That is the only solution. The past couple arguments that my husband and I have gotten into have been because of 'me' or so he tells me it's all me. I hate to break it to him that it's not just me but he doesn't see anymore. I've decided that I am going to do a 180 and completely change for him. It's about time that I have that mid-life crisis crap...even though I'm only 21 (22 in a few days). It is the only thing I can do if I want this to last. Another option to to 'trap' him. The only way to trap him is to get pregnant. I don't know if I am ready, and I for sure know he isn't, but in order to keep this going and above ground it may be an option. It's not like we haven't been trying but yeah you never know.

It is almost 3:30 am here and tomorrow is going to be yet another uneventful day. Hopefully the new day has something better in store than what this year has given me so far.

Signing off-
M