Here I am once more, blogging. It's been a while since I've written in here and I've established things are going to be okay no matter what happens. There is so much that can go wrong in all these situations but there is no reason to think of the bad. Bill is talking like everything is going well. I'd hope he'd tell me if there was something wrong. C-: Life seems sureal, like nothing terrible ever happened. But can it be true that it was possible just a dream? Such a vivid dream...or am I living the dream and the problems are reality? I guess only time will tell...

2010

I've done a lot of reflecting in the past couple of weeks. I guess I do that every year. I reflect what the past year has been like, and what I could have done to make it better for me and for the ones that I love most. This year is no different. It seems like my world has begin to spiral into a downward vortex that is only destined for Hell, whatever and where ever that may be. In one week I will be 22. I'm married, and have been for 2 years. To some that is a crazy thing to think of. Though it breaks my heart to say, I feel that this marriage may be destined to fail. Not because I want it to, or because my husband wants it to but because our families think it will. My mother has been married 3 times, my father twice. My husbands mother has been married countless times and his father, well I've never met his father so I can not say. I think that we'll always be friends, but the love is sort of faded around the edges. It's like an old photo done in sepia. We're in the middle and the edges have begun to fray and there are holes from the bugs of being packed away. The only way to keep this relationship solid to to change 100%. Not just me but him too. I can not say what the future holds, but we're both too stubborn to give in easily.

Solutions to the problem: Change. That is the only solution. The past couple arguments that my husband and I have gotten into have been because of 'me' or so he tells me it's all me. I hate to break it to him that it's not just me but he doesn't see anymore. I've decided that I am going to do a 180 and completely change for him. It's about time that I have that mid-life crisis crap...even though I'm only 21 (22 in a few days). It is the only thing I can do if I want this to last. Another option to to 'trap' him. The only way to trap him is to get pregnant. I don't know if I am ready, and I for sure know he isn't, but in order to keep this going and above ground it may be an option. It's not like we haven't been trying but yeah you never know.

It is almost 3:30 am here and tomorrow is going to be yet another uneventful day. Hopefully the new day has something better in store than what this year has given me so far.

Signing off-
M

Here We Go

This is the day I'm glad no one reads these blogs. It makes me feel a lot more safe that no one is reading this and that this is more like a journal than a blog. Someday you never know someone may happen to fall upon my blog and start reading it. Who knows. I hope that the future for 2010 is one that is prosperous and happy. I've made a few different resolutions for 2010 and I hope that I can live up to them. One of them, which is a common one for everyone, is to lose weight. I've sort of let myself go the past couple years and have a feeling that if I don't become healthier and leaner that something bad will happen. Another is to become more financially stable. Bill and I have decided at some point we're going to move to Ft. Wayne. We've actually be offered a 4 bedroom house for about $500.00 a month not including utilities. I think that if we were to move down there that there would be better job opportunities than in this small town where every job position has been filled for years. I really hope that we can get this house in Ft. Wayne. It would be a much better deal than living in this apartment. We pay 480 a month for a one bedroom apartment, when we could be paying 500 for a 4 bedroom house! It's almost ridiculous that this place charges so much for living. If we can't get a house I have a feeling we'll look for an apartment that will let us rent with our credit. We'll figure something out. But until then I must try to sleep..
M.Milly