Today it snowed...well it started snowing December 1...its so pretty...yet I feel so alone. I am surrounded by amazing people, friends, family and lovers, yet thats not enough. Christmas doesnt mean the same since Bill and I...but what can I do? He and I are offically divorced, as of October 20th, but we are still friends. What can I do? Travis is amazing and I bet he'll change my outlook on this season...

Hmmm

Everything is a little scewed today. Autumn is in full effect and I am ready for it. I love this season it makes me happy. All the beautiful colors and the warm scents it is amazing...everything this year is turning out perfect

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.1

Hmmm

Right now I am sitting at work, we're super slow so I am writing something in here. Everything is going awesome I couldn't ask for a better life:)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.0

life today

A little this and a little of that keeps the crazy lady up to bat...she is sane but really a pain she makes the men laugh. I know her smile she hides it well just to keep to herself to enjoy her sane insanity in bliss.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.0

A Quick Fix

Alright sooooooooooo Everything has been turned into a bit of disarray. I found out that my friends weren't ignoring me I just wasn't receiving nor able to send text messages that night. After that night everything just fell into place. The divorce is filed and everything is ready. Bill and I are friends and are able to still converse without problem, which is awesome. I'm just glad to finally be able to move on. Speaking of....I've found someone. His name is Travis. He is amazing! But thats the way all relationships start out you find the person absolutely perfect in every way and soon after things start to fall apart which is what I'm worried about. He really is awesome I like him a lot...we also have a lot in common and a lot we don't have in common too which balances us so well. I just hope that this relationship isnt me trying to move on quicker. I've already told him that I wanted to move super slow with him just for the reason of being hurt so badly before. He completely understands and is going slow just for me =-] Everything is falling into place and it makes me happy to finally be happy again!

-M

One of those days

So this weekend was going sooooooooo great, until today. Thursday I hung out with friends and watched an amazing meteor shower, Friday hung out with more friends and watched people skateboard on a freshly made mini ramp and today...well today I was suppose to go out with friends to celebrate another friends birthday...but now NONE of them will respond to my message or phone calls. This just pisses me off...I mean if you don't want to talk to me TELL me don't fucking ignore me. We're not in high school anymore people. Not one of them are responding....I don't get it....my ex husband leaves for his Annual training and people talk to me but the DAY he gets back they REFUSE to talk to me or text me or call me? What the fuck? I don't get it and I don't like .

(Realization)What am I doing? Why am I allowing myself to fail so easily? I must stay strong and fix my mistakes...I can not let him win

(After midnight once again) It is inevitable that I will never go to bed at a decent time, but that is just me I suppose. I've been laying here thinking of everything that has been going on. Who knows what will happen in the future? I wish I did. One thing that I do know is that I need to stop what I'm doing and grow up. I need a man who is something better, brighter and more successful. I cannot let myself wallow in self pity forever. I love him, and will always. Lets hope now I can figure out what to do now that I am moving one...-M

Favorite Poem of all time

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

I just need to tell myself to calm down, it was only a dream. Dreams can not harm me. Though when they're life-like they can terrify you...dreams are dreams, possible figments of my imagination. Lucidified into creation because I can feel, smell and taste...I just need to calm myself and think.

Scream from within to create an inner dissonance. I feel confused and dazed. Lost from what I know, from what I love. My soul is crushed and my heart broke, there's no mending this mess. Everything has been shattered, and thrown into a dismaied whirlwind. Why must I be the one to always realize this? Why can't I just feel normal, just once?

[...] While on our way home from the movies I sit in the back seat, where I usually am. My brother in front of me, and my sister driving, while we listen to Glee. We're all talented, but they are the limelights. Always needing the spotlight...and I am pushed to the backseat, unrecognized, thought of as weird, always different and never good enough. When will I be good enough?

Here we are once again

Life seems to be but a dream lately. I create a blissful beginning and a treacherous ending some days and others I just let fall until it reaches where It wants to stand. Lately I have been big on reading my horoscope, sometimes it's right and other times it is not. Like today for instance "Your soft side comes out in a big way today, making it perfect for romance. Settle in for an evening with your sweetie -- or rework your online profile from top to bottom to attract fresh eyes." It doesn't make any sense. I am single, and don't have a sweetie and definitely am not looking for one at the moment...but the past few days it says I should...should I listen to these horoscopes or let myself dwell in self pity of being left by the man I thought I loved?

(Story idea)This is where it starts and ends, me laying on the floor. About a year ago I was offered an opportunity of a lifetime and like any young stupid college student, I clutched on tight and took advantage of the situation. A local company called Life Partition was doing an experiment with a new product called TrueGem. This product, (well it was more of an accesory), when worn was suppose to lengthen the life expextancy and create a healthier you. There were 10 of us ranging from the age of 22 to 87.

Throw me to the ground. Toss me about. Treat me like I'm nothing...seems easy enough. You always faulter and tople but you always get back up. Me, I'm a complete failure at everything and officially don't want to get back up again.

I try to not let my mind wander, but it hurts if I dont. We sat and talked. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to find someone that'll make me happy. What he doesn't realize is I can't handle another heart break...not yet at least. I'm not allowed to grieve, to cry and wish that there was something to make this all better. I'm left here sort of alone. I can sit in a room full of my closest friends and family and still feel completely alone. I'm lost and am afraid to find my way. The one guy I actually started to like...well he's got a girlfriend...so he's out of the question. I guess I should just stop trying, maybe if I did something good will actually happen.

Contemplation and anticipation swirled together in a whirlwind of an emotional overload. The skies are green the grass is blue life has been turned about. My mind sways and twists and calls yet no one ever hears. Someday life will be revealed as new and clear. 'But when?' I ask. Life will adjust in due time. For now I create my paradise in the folds of my mind. Soon I pray. Soon life will be a wonderful bliss again.

The twisted thoughts built within my mind creating mahem and dispair. Leave them to wallow in their sorrow, alone and afraid. Beauty is gone, whithered, beaten and frayed. Lost beneath the thorns the rose stuggles to stay in bloom. Torn and tangled it builds up strength to grow beyond the thorns. The lights above glisten and glare and the rose breaks loose leaving behind the thorns. Yet the twisted thoughts remain forever tossing and turning.

Tossing and turning inside myself; yet my face shows no emotion. The pain of what may come is revealed to me. I want it gone. I want to go, but I'm bound hereby chains. Every scream, every cry makes my stomach turn from the inside. Beauty turns to dust, and life is just stuck.

So I've probably cried my weight in tears today. This whole moving process isn't going so well for me. I can't find anyone to help me move, or whenever I find someone to help me they cancel. I just want this to be over with. I can't move everything on my own so I don't know what I am going to do.

ramblings

So just to start this off somewhere simple...I hate crying...it seems like the past couple of months all I have done is cry and I'm sick of crying. I have proven myself to be capable of living on my own before why can't I just do the same thing now? First and foremost I need to find another job...something that is going to help me actually make more money...like probably work Thursday through Sunday at Ruby Tuesday and then Monday through Wednesday somewhere else...I don't know where else but I need out of this situation. I need to able to be myself for once. I want this whole divorce finalized but how can you finalize something that you haven't even started the process of finalizing? He wanted this to end yet keeps putting it on the back burner for weeks...what will it be next years down the road when I finally fall in love again and I have to go looking for him to make him sign the divorce papers? I don't want that and I know neither does he, but what does he care? He already has slept with someone else since our split...plus when she comes home in the summer they'll be together...it sickens me to think of that. I can't believe I fell for a man who treated me like I was always second best...yet he will never know exactly how I feel because he'll never read this and I will never find it in me to put myself out there again...he shoots me down and makes me feel like I am the most terribly thing ever created...almost as if I am not even human. There is nothing I can do, I've crushed everything I had left and now I am going to fall into the cracks of everything I once knew and attempt at starting over again...never again will I marry someone like that. I will refuse to let myself fall in love again like I did with him...he wrapped himself around me to the point where I had no idea what the time was, the day was or whether it was day or night...not like that matters anymore...cause now I'm on my own laying in the dark....

The rain falls to the ground in claps...it slurs the sounds and hinders the vision, yet it is captivating. If I could I'll stand in the rain for hours just to experience the sweetness over and over again...thunderstorms are awesome too. The rolling thunder that shakes houses Zues' lightening crashing. Everything about rain makes me happy inside c-: I think I need to move to Washington c-:

From my window I gaze. The labyrinth of life still remains.
The world around me is wild. The twists and turns are like a restless child.
The wind whirls about my being. A dead end creates a new meaning.
Soil beneath my hands is calm. The end of this labyrinth is my psalm.
Laid to sleep forever in peace, until the labyrinth and I once again meet.

fleeting thought

I’ve jumped into the fiasco of the life of dating. Here we go from the beginning and there is no where left to go. Understanding is the key but isn’t important to me, all you need is love and understanding will follow. If there was more to life than this, I hope that I’m shown it soon because I’ve fallen again and again and can’t stand on my own. I need someone’s hand to pull me out of the sea and on to dry land and help me find the key. My life is a fiasco and here is where I begin, from the beginning again. I hope life ends up better than where it’s taken me, for I know that the future has the understanding which is the key…

Enlightenment

I am twenty two years old. Whenever I come on here and write something I feel like I have a bit more courage, though in actuality I'm just hiding behind this thing more and more. I did this as a child too. Writing as always been a niche of mine and I always felt that I was going to be something someday because of my writing. Well here I am, twenty two years old and going to school for Culinary Arts. I feel that everything I once thought I was has been washed away and I have been left here to start over. The serious question is, where do I start?

The perfect answer to this is this : from the beginning. Where is the beginning for me? I know that my adventures are just starting and that there is only so much time left in my life to figure it out. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what happens I am going to find myself, lose weight, and become someone totally different. In a nutshell I am, kind, caring and a push over. I can't be that anymore. I have to learn to speak my mind and become a stronger human being. I know I've made these promises before on here but with my husband leaving me I've come to realize that I have no idea how to date. I have no idea where to start or how to start over. So this is how I am going to do it.

Everyday I am going to come on here and write something. I think I am making this more of a journal than anything else. It's not like I have any followers or anything. I am going to write about my days from here on just to keep myself busy during the following months of the divorce. This blog is going to keep me sane and on my feet...well sort of.

The promises I make in this blog are going to be sort of set in stone. One of those things where if you don't do something you know that something terrible is going to happen just because you promised it and didn't do it. Here are my promises: I AM going to lose weight, I want to get down to at least 125...that's almost 80 lbs. or something close to it, I haven't set food on a scale in I don't know how long. I AM going to graduate college for Culinary Arts. I AM going to become successful. The last promises but now least is this, I AM going to find who I really am.

Now that all of those are out of the way, here is where I am going to begin. Today was just another day at work. I worked a split shift meaning I work from 11-3 then go back in at 5 and get off at 8. Seems like the perfect job for some, but when it makes you no real money then you're in a bit of a bind. I suppose that I'll figure something out I always do.

Well, enough of all this for now. It's almost midnight and I need to go to sleep. I work open to close tomorrow and open to close on Saturday. Man what a weekend this is going to be!!!

=Night all=
Megan

The here and now is simply todays sort of thing. Everyone expects everything to be here and they want it right now. The word wait isn't in anyones vocabluary anymore and people don't know how to just stop and listen to the birds. I'm one of those people I'll admit it, but I am trying to slow down and take it easy. Though it is far more difficult than it looks. When you try to bring your stress level down to a 0 from being at a 10 it is almost impossible until you realize you're sick and tired. I just hope I hit that point soon and come back to a place of happiness once again.

It's two am. Man what a hour. I hate this all. I want it over with. I am sick of him feeling pitty for me like this. Its terrible especially when I don't want his pity. I want his friendship. What can I do?

THE FIGHT TO END ALL FIGHTS
So my husband and I are getting a divorce. It's weird saying that with everything that we've gone through and in previous blogs I wrote about how I wanted to find a way to make things better. Well while doing that I came to the realization that I've been lying to myself. My husband and I talked yesterday after not seeing or speaking to each other for 3 days and came to the conclusion that it ended a long time ago but neither of us know how to tell the other person. I think this will be a good experience, not only for me but him too. We've come to the agreement that we're going to continue to be friends no matter what happens and we've already divided everything that we own into a mine and his pile. Now all thats left is the legal part of it...other than that this is going too smoothly, it almost makes me wonder what this world has come to...

Here I am once more, blogging. It's been a while since I've written in here and I've established things are going to be okay no matter what happens. There is so much that can go wrong in all these situations but there is no reason to think of the bad. Bill is talking like everything is going well. I'd hope he'd tell me if there was something wrong. C-: Life seems sureal, like nothing terrible ever happened. But can it be true that it was possible just a dream? Such a vivid dream...or am I living the dream and the problems are reality? I guess only time will tell...

2010

I've done a lot of reflecting in the past couple of weeks. I guess I do that every year. I reflect what the past year has been like, and what I could have done to make it better for me and for the ones that I love most. This year is no different. It seems like my world has begin to spiral into a downward vortex that is only destined for Hell, whatever and where ever that may be. In one week I will be 22. I'm married, and have been for 2 years. To some that is a crazy thing to think of. Though it breaks my heart to say, I feel that this marriage may be destined to fail. Not because I want it to, or because my husband wants it to but because our families think it will. My mother has been married 3 times, my father twice. My husbands mother has been married countless times and his father, well I've never met his father so I can not say. I think that we'll always be friends, but the love is sort of faded around the edges. It's like an old photo done in sepia. We're in the middle and the edges have begun to fray and there are holes from the bugs of being packed away. The only way to keep this relationship solid to to change 100%. Not just me but him too. I can not say what the future holds, but we're both too stubborn to give in easily.

Solutions to the problem: Change. That is the only solution. The past couple arguments that my husband and I have gotten into have been because of 'me' or so he tells me it's all me. I hate to break it to him that it's not just me but he doesn't see anymore. I've decided that I am going to do a 180 and completely change for him. It's about time that I have that mid-life crisis crap...even though I'm only 21 (22 in a few days). It is the only thing I can do if I want this to last. Another option to to 'trap' him. The only way to trap him is to get pregnant. I don't know if I am ready, and I for sure know he isn't, but in order to keep this going and above ground it may be an option. It's not like we haven't been trying but yeah you never know.

It is almost 3:30 am here and tomorrow is going to be yet another uneventful day. Hopefully the new day has something better in store than what this year has given me so far.

Signing off-
M

Here We Go

This is the day I'm glad no one reads these blogs. It makes me feel a lot more safe that no one is reading this and that this is more like a journal than a blog. Someday you never know someone may happen to fall upon my blog and start reading it. Who knows. I hope that the future for 2010 is one that is prosperous and happy. I've made a few different resolutions for 2010 and I hope that I can live up to them. One of them, which is a common one for everyone, is to lose weight. I've sort of let myself go the past couple years and have a feeling that if I don't become healthier and leaner that something bad will happen. Another is to become more financially stable. Bill and I have decided at some point we're going to move to Ft. Wayne. We've actually be offered a 4 bedroom house for about $500.00 a month not including utilities. I think that if we were to move down there that there would be better job opportunities than in this small town where every job position has been filled for years. I really hope that we can get this house in Ft. Wayne. It would be a much better deal than living in this apartment. We pay 480 a month for a one bedroom apartment, when we could be paying 500 for a 4 bedroom house! It's almost ridiculous that this place charges so much for living. If we can't get a house I have a feeling we'll look for an apartment that will let us rent with our credit. We'll figure something out. But until then I must try to sleep..
M.Milly