ramblings

So just to start this off somewhere simple...I hate crying...it seems like the past couple of months all I have done is cry and I'm sick of crying. I have proven myself to be capable of living on my own before why can't I just do the same thing now? First and foremost I need to find another job...something that is going to help me actually make more money...like probably work Thursday through Sunday at Ruby Tuesday and then Monday through Wednesday somewhere else...I don't know where else but I need out of this situation. I need to able to be myself for once. I want this whole divorce finalized but how can you finalize something that you haven't even started the process of finalizing? He wanted this to end yet keeps putting it on the back burner for weeks...what will it be next years down the road when I finally fall in love again and I have to go looking for him to make him sign the divorce papers? I don't want that and I know neither does he, but what does he care? He already has slept with someone else since our split...plus when she comes home in the summer they'll be together...it sickens me to think of that. I can't believe I fell for a man who treated me like I was always second best...yet he will never know exactly how I feel because he'll never read this and I will never find it in me to put myself out there again...he shoots me down and makes me feel like I am the most terribly thing ever created...almost as if I am not even human. There is nothing I can do, I've crushed everything I had left and now I am going to fall into the cracks of everything I once knew and attempt at starting over again...never again will I marry someone like that. I will refuse to let myself fall in love again like I did with him...he wrapped himself around me to the point where I had no idea what the time was, the day was or whether it was day or night...not like that matters anymore...cause now I'm on my own laying in the dark....

The rain falls to the ground in claps...it slurs the sounds and hinders the vision, yet it is captivating. If I could I'll stand in the rain for hours just to experience the sweetness over and over again...thunderstorms are awesome too. The rolling thunder that shakes houses Zues' lightening crashing. Everything about rain makes me happy inside c-: I think I need to move to Washington c-:

From my window I gaze. The labyrinth of life still remains.
The world around me is wild. The twists and turns are like a restless child.
The wind whirls about my being. A dead end creates a new meaning.
Soil beneath my hands is calm. The end of this labyrinth is my psalm.
Laid to sleep forever in peace, until the labyrinth and I once again meet.

fleeting thought

I’ve jumped into the fiasco of the life of dating. Here we go from the beginning and there is no where left to go. Understanding is the key but isn’t important to me, all you need is love and understanding will follow. If there was more to life than this, I hope that I’m shown it soon because I’ve fallen again and again and can’t stand on my own. I need someone’s hand to pull me out of the sea and on to dry land and help me find the key. My life is a fiasco and here is where I begin, from the beginning again. I hope life ends up better than where it’s taken me, for I know that the future has the understanding which is the key…

Enlightenment

I am twenty two years old. Whenever I come on here and write something I feel like I have a bit more courage, though in actuality I'm just hiding behind this thing more and more. I did this as a child too. Writing as always been a niche of mine and I always felt that I was going to be something someday because of my writing. Well here I am, twenty two years old and going to school for Culinary Arts. I feel that everything I once thought I was has been washed away and I have been left here to start over. The serious question is, where do I start?

The perfect answer to this is this : from the beginning. Where is the beginning for me? I know that my adventures are just starting and that there is only so much time left in my life to figure it out. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what happens I am going to find myself, lose weight, and become someone totally different. In a nutshell I am, kind, caring and a push over. I can't be that anymore. I have to learn to speak my mind and become a stronger human being. I know I've made these promises before on here but with my husband leaving me I've come to realize that I have no idea how to date. I have no idea where to start or how to start over. So this is how I am going to do it.

Everyday I am going to come on here and write something. I think I am making this more of a journal than anything else. It's not like I have any followers or anything. I am going to write about my days from here on just to keep myself busy during the following months of the divorce. This blog is going to keep me sane and on my feet...well sort of.

The promises I make in this blog are going to be sort of set in stone. One of those things where if you don't do something you know that something terrible is going to happen just because you promised it and didn't do it. Here are my promises: I AM going to lose weight, I want to get down to at least 125...that's almost 80 lbs. or something close to it, I haven't set food on a scale in I don't know how long. I AM going to graduate college for Culinary Arts. I AM going to become successful. The last promises but now least is this, I AM going to find who I really am.

Now that all of those are out of the way, here is where I am going to begin. Today was just another day at work. I worked a split shift meaning I work from 11-3 then go back in at 5 and get off at 8. Seems like the perfect job for some, but when it makes you no real money then you're in a bit of a bind. I suppose that I'll figure something out I always do.

Well, enough of all this for now. It's almost midnight and I need to go to sleep. I work open to close tomorrow and open to close on Saturday. Man what a weekend this is going to be!!!

=Night all=
Megan

The here and now is simply todays sort of thing. Everyone expects everything to be here and they want it right now. The word wait isn't in anyones vocabluary anymore and people don't know how to just stop and listen to the birds. I'm one of those people I'll admit it, but I am trying to slow down and take it easy. Though it is far more difficult than it looks. When you try to bring your stress level down to a 0 from being at a 10 it is almost impossible until you realize you're sick and tired. I just hope I hit that point soon and come back to a place of happiness once again.

It's two am. Man what a hour. I hate this all. I want it over with. I am sick of him feeling pitty for me like this. Its terrible especially when I don't want his pity. I want his friendship. What can I do?