ramblings

So just to start this off somewhere simple...I hate crying...it seems like the past couple of months all I have done is cry and I'm sick of crying. I have proven myself to be capable of living on my own before why can't I just do the same thing now? First and foremost I need to find another job...something that is going to help me actually make more money...like probably work Thursday through Sunday at Ruby Tuesday and then Monday through Wednesday somewhere else...I don't know where else but I need out of this situation. I need to able to be myself for once. I want this whole divorce finalized but how can you finalize something that you haven't even started the process of finalizing? He wanted this to end yet keeps putting it on the back burner for weeks...what will it be next years down the road when I finally fall in love again and I have to go looking for him to make him sign the divorce papers? I don't want that and I know neither does he, but what does he care? He already has slept with someone else since our split...plus when she comes home in the summer they'll be together...it sickens me to think of that. I can't believe I fell for a man who treated me like I was always second best...yet he will never know exactly how I feel because he'll never read this and I will never find it in me to put myself out there again...he shoots me down and makes me feel like I am the most terribly thing ever created...almost as if I am not even human. There is nothing I can do, I've crushed everything I had left and now I am going to fall into the cracks of everything I once knew and attempt at starting over again...never again will I marry someone like that. I will refuse to let myself fall in love again like I did with him...he wrapped himself around me to the point where I had no idea what the time was, the day was or whether it was day or night...not like that matters anymore...cause now I'm on my own laying in the dark....

The rain falls to the ground in claps...it slurs the sounds and hinders the vision, yet it is captivating. If I could I'll stand in the rain for hours just to experience the sweetness over and over again...thunderstorms are awesome too. The rolling thunder that shakes houses Zues' lightening crashing. Everything about rain makes me happy inside c-: I think I need to move to Washington c-:

From my window I gaze. The labyrinth of life still remains.
The world around me is wild. The twists and turns are like a restless child.
The wind whirls about my being. A dead end creates a new meaning.
Soil beneath my hands is calm. The end of this labyrinth is my psalm.
Laid to sleep forever in peace, until the labyrinth and I once again meet.